be thou my vision.

so.

here's the 411.

life as i know it is over and a new one is sprouting up from the ashes of what once was {or, should i say, what once wasn't}

i am moving out of Jamie&mine's apartment. we are still dating, but due to some upcoming events we decided the best thing right now for both of us would be if i moved out of the apartment and back into my parents house. it is going to be different, and i'm probably going to be working alot less at hongkong, or hopefully i'll find a new job in gladstone.

i am going to try for an internship with either Tom's Shoes or another Social Justice organization {I'm not going to say which just yet. I have emailed them about an internship and have yet to hear back from them, but when I do I'll let you all know} I would love to work for Tom's, but I'd kill to work for the other group. Either one is fine with me =] If i end up doing them I will have to leave in the middle of the year so living in the apartment {which has a 1 year lease} would be a bad idea.

I'm not sure of the exacts right now, but i thought i'd fill you all in =]

Eden was a Garden

there has been this perpetual question swimming around in the shallow lakes of my mind.

if doing the "right" thing is the best thing to do, why is it so hard to do sometimes?

it seems like i know what i should do, and when i should do it but life in it self is never that easy. i have found that its never a matter of what to do as much as it is a matter of how to do.

life is never easy as making a decision. no, it's always something so much more.

ha, i suppose one could say that life is something like a starbucks. it's never just a matter of coffee, darling, and it's never just a matter of right or wrong decisions.

i would never admit this otherwise, but i suppose { in some twisted way} i do envy those who tend to only see the world in blackandwhite. if i could only view life like that the decisions i made would be so much easier. Alas, i tend to view life in about 16 million colors and twice as many shades, which makes it that much harder to understand what i should be doing.

if eden was real, would it be this hard there too?

it's all crazy! it's all false! it's all a dream! it's alright...

today was bad. really inyourface iwannacryandscreamandhide bad.

then, with in a split second. it got ican'tstopsmiling better.

i'll explain. {and i'll do it like a normal person}

anyway. today was my first full day back to work since lifest. {i've been sick with a wicked cold} It was just not a great day to be at work. I was still sick, tired, stressed out and just plain not excited to at work. I was being emoface for having to be there when she came in.

She was a 60 year old filipino women wearing a large, straw hat with flowers all over it.

She talked too loud and laughed too hard.

and she made my day 100x better.

I kept over hearing what she was saying and the more I listened {yeah, imma creeper} the more i realized i was smiling.

alot.

she kept talking about seeing the beauty in everyday life.

she kept talking about loving yourself and your friends.

and she said something that will stick with me for a long time-

" You're as old as you're doubts and as young as your dreams"

yeah, isn't that great?

i thought so too =]

the library is for lovers.

so i'm thinking.

that the library is a cool place to hang out.

and i'm also thinking

why don't more people come here, sit down and read?

maybe americans hate the library.

:]

lifest is for haters. pt II

Oh lordy.

where does one begin?

My life has no significance. I don't say this in a belittling way, or a mean way, or in a way to make myself seem so small. I mean as truth. I can't remember the last thing I did that gave me passion, and I can't remember the last thing I did that made me feel like there was some greatness in the big ol' sphere we all inhabit. It makes me feel like a wilting plant. But in the plant's case he does not get water because I forget to water him, rendering him dead. In my case I refuse to do anything worth doing. Rendering myself dead.

Its not as if I have not had the chance to do what I want to do. The fact is that chances have come, and I have turned them all down. Amazing chances and I give lack-luster excuses.

I can't because -

• I have school {ha. goodone}
• I don't think its the right direction right now {as opposed to absolutely NO direction}
• Something came up this summer and it needs my attention right away {no, not really}
• I'm still trying to adjust to all of this in America { i finished my adjusting long ago.}

Do you know what I am really trying to say there? I can't do it because I am afraid I will fail horribly and that it would not even be worth it in the end. Yeah, that's it. Behind all of these reasons excuses lies the murky truth. I'mjusttoodamnscared. Thats it.

I went to lifest this week. it was...something. But I did learn one thing {that i always seem to learn there} There are alot of people with passion. It gets dirty, and grimy and hard, but they keep going because they know what they are doing is the right thing. I miss feeling that. So, I'm done with the excuses and the lame reasons why I can't.

because i can.

and i will.

{ i dont want to think anymore profound thoughts unless i fully intend to use them}

-bree

{ps- i have yet to unpack anything from lifest. it lays scattered on the floor. i keep thinking that if i keep it all packed long enough that i'll get a phone call asking me to go on summer tour}